I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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