Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize