I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
