i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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