Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is Oprah even human
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
