Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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