I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
