if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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