he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
