I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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