got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
