just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
