i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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