Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
