I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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