they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
