Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
