peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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