I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
