your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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