this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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