I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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