I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
