My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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