Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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