so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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