mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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