I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
