I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
