She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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