I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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