remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
