I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
