I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
