Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
