nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
