Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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