I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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