I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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