TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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