Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
