So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
