dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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