she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
