my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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