Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
