I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
