How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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