I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
