i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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