party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
