Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Acid is not a monday night drug
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
