I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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