me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
