after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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