just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
