so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
