It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
