So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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