Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
