Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
