I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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