Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I currently don't understand fingers.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
