Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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